


ain’t nothing but mammals

by noxelementalist



Series: Scenes from an Epilogue [3]
Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Collection: Purimgifts Day 3, Gen, Shipping
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-20
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-03-17 03:01:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29586219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/noxelementalist/pseuds/noxelementalist
Summary: Just because the ships are grounded temporarily doesn’t mean an astromech droid’s job is done.
Series: Scenes from an Epilogue [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2173617
Comments: 8
Kudos: 5
Collections: Purimgifts 2021





	ain’t nothing but mammals

**Author's Note:**

  * For [aelisheva](https://archiveofourown.org/users/aelisheva/gifts).



> set after Rise of the Skywalker. Title taken from "The Bad Touch" by Bloodhound Gang. 
> 
> The tiny little bit of program code in the piece is inspired by the fantastic MCU work Run Program: DUM-E by Amuly.

The Resistance party on Ajan Kloss was the loudest, most boisterous any had seen since the Battle of Endor. Dancing, music, and laughter were everywhere. Resistance members could be seen sneaking off in pairs and groups, and nobody seemed panicked that they wouldn’t return the way they would have even a day before. Indeed, the sight of hundreds of Resistance members and their allies having a rave on a small jungle moon was downright  _ raucous _ .

And all of it, to BB-8’s thinking, was irrelevant data.

It wasn’t that BB-8 begrudged the break. Data and protocol had established very thoroughly that organics needed breaks to recharge batteries as they could not plug into a charging station. But for an astromech like BB-8 the party wasn’t enjoyable given that Operatives Magpie, Coatstealer, and Hotshot (organic designations Rey, Finn, and Poe Dameron, though BB-8 was unsure how organics gained _two_ word designations) were off-planet, having chosen to leave the party at Day 5 for a few quick runs. 

It was now Day 31, and none of the planes needed any servicing. The extra time, and operative absence, meant BB-8 could continue working on a project it had begun approximately 18 minutes after returning from planet Pasaana. One that, if executed accurately, would yield significant increases in productivity. 

And so it was that BB-8 quietly, carefully, rolled itself inside the Resistance Base to Barrack’s Dormitory Room 70, plugged into its charge station, and placed itself into Standby Mode Beta (or, as Operative Hotshot called it, ‘ _are you faking being_ _ sleep? _ ’ mode].

Timestamp: 02·26·35 15·45

Mode: Standby Mode Beta

Run Program: Chart(Tactilism).

Running.

Program Chart(Tactilism) successfully executed!

From BB-8’s perspective, its internal monitor projected a matrix web akin to what organics referred to as a spider web, with vertices designated for Operatives Magpie, Coatstealer, and Hotshot, along with Operatives HRH (organic designation General Leia), SmugKing (organic designation Han Solo), DesertBird (organic designation Jedi Master Luke Skywalker), FuzzyTree (organic designation Chewbacca), Flowermech (organic designation Rose), and Timeout (organic designation Kylo Ben Ren), as well as Droids R2-D2 (alias designation LifeGoals) and C-3PO (alias designation Princess).

The events of the past several days necessitated adjustments to the map. Working quickly BB-8 deactivated the nodes of HRH, SmugKing, Desertbird, and Timeout. It had been hesitant to do so, lacking affirmative evidence severe exposure to the cosmic radiation organics deemed “The Force”- an undescriptive name- was permanently damaging, but with reports confirming their organic chassises had spontaneously vaporized themselves, de-activation was necessary.

Next came altering assignment lines. BB-8 did not hesitate to turn FuzzyTree’s node yellow, adding an annotation of “temporarily claimed by Maz Kanata,” or in likewise switching LifeGoals and Princess from yellow to red, annotation “done deal.” These were significantly attested. Yet the other designations gave BB-8 pause. It was the pause that had necessitated the chart’s creation.

Data reports from primary sources had indicated Magpie and Coatstealer developing an assignment. Then Coatstealer and Hotshot. Then Hotshot and Magpie. Then upon the addition of the designation Flowermech all  _ three  _ nodes seemed to indicate developing assignments, both with each other and then Flowermech. BB-8 was sure only active death had prevented a similar outcome with Timeout, which would have resulted in a Pentagonal Star assignment that BB-8 had estimated had only a mere 14% likelihood of success. Current preliminary evidence suggested the arrival of Kef Bir units, and in particular lead unit Jannah (operative designation TBD) might also cause such an assignment, though with a higher success rate of 45%. 

BB-8 was an astromech. A competent one. Astromechs worked to ensure operatives working at 100%. A 45% array was  _ inexcusable _ . 

Additional calculations of possible permutations suggested variable success rates. The highest currently suggested was long-term assignment between Hotshot and Coatstealer (prompting BB-8 to sigh in annoyance at Operative Hotshot’s apparent mammalian standards as organic coat stealing was akin to chassis refinishing, and thus should’ve been inexcusable) along with another long-term between Flowermech and Magpie (more understandable given their shared intellectual knowledge of mechanical aircraft.) That result though yielded a 66% success rate, which was...above passing, but far from satisfactory. 

_ More data must be gathered,  _ BB-8 sighed to itself. It was just about to begin preparations for such gathering when its antenna picked up a signal from the airspace above the moon. Grabbing it, BB-8 decoded the signal to find it contained a message:

_ Hey BB-8! Sorry we’re late buddy, we had Jedi stuff to do. Meet us at the air tracks in 10? -Poe. _

BB-8 hurriedly unplugged, shifting to Mode: Active and Away (alias designation BOOK IT). The tracks weren’t far, but the partying meant a few extra minutes were needed for prompt arrival.

_ Data collection development plans for Phase 2 will have to wait _ , BB-8 thought to self, before hurriedly zooming down the halls. It had operatives to ascertain functionality of.


End file.
